on pool parties

Black night sky and moving lines of highway and building lights. It takes a lot of this to get back home here in LA. I like watching all the lines, of the horizon, of the architecture of the highway, as well as the highway itself. It makes me feel like I'm going somewhere.

Going to the party and seeing these friends I've met now years ago, reminded me again how I can't quite remember what the hell I was and how I ended up the way I am now. Bottles of beer and other liquor piling up by the trash cans. The grill fired was around the corner. Straight people on the other side of the pool, and the gays on this corner, none of them swimming except for a few, one including me. I didn't dive, I sort of slipped in from the side and sank as I always do deeply to the shallow bottom, and it brought me back even further to those days in my childhood and in the river swimming with the cousins and I'd lay there at the bottom my body unable to stay afloat and I'd be peacefully enjoying the odd silence and blurry surroundings.

This guy I use to see that same amount of time years ago, was there and would stare and chat nothing important to me then move gestures elsewhere only to return to me in brushes of touches that seemed to be both buddy-like and entirely more. My eyes would only partially roll unnoticed as I returned the same touches. He had just broken up with someone, he told me. And I had to cut it off with someone else I was seeing recently. I was a bit concerned of what two guys in these predicaments would do. We ended up on the couch later with their friends all around watching a ridiculously large tv playing a sentimental movie. We sat together like we did those years ago as if those years had never passed. His arm was around me and my head on his shoulder, or perhaps his pec. I was thinking about how bored I was hanging out with these same friends from years ago, and how bored I was now. And I was thinking about doing this guy I used to see that same amount of time years ago, knowing that I probably never will again.

This crazy little dog was running aimlessly around all the guys. It didn't know who was who I think, or he wanted to know those of us that he didn't know. He was doing all that much to get to know us, really just running around. There are animals that are just so excited they can't do anything else but run around. I wonder what that is like.

The string of lights of traffic close to our exit was perplexing. I was glad my friend drove. He is a good quiet guy, albeit outspoken at times. Particularly when drunk. We left in part to him saying it felt intrusive to be there- meaning the party host's place, where we all ended up around the tv, as one host was already sleeping in the bedroom and the other of partner ready to doze off- was a statement I liked. He was a polite, considerate guy.

When I got home I texted the guy that I recently cut it off with. He said he was busy, so I proceeded to clean my place and went online to potentially meet the guy of my dreams and/or a guy to hook up with. All this anxiety with the guy of years ago got me horny. I msged a few guys and got a couple msgs from other guys, but I tend to know that I'll never get anywhere with these things. It's like driving, I think, I just like to motion and lines. Makes me feel like I'm going somewhere, even though I may not be going anywhere, new anyway.