on relationships 3

"I don't believe in forever. I don't think we should be subjected to such an expectation. To say to someone, to hear that you are my everything forever, I think that's too much of a pressure for any of us to be able to undertake"

It's something to wake up to. To feel weak early morning light leak in that somehow breaks to a blaze. His body emerging from stillness into motion, getting ready for the day. You laying there watching him.

"If it lasts 3 months or 3 years, or 11 years, let it be. But forever? I just don't think so. There are beautiful moments to be had."

For me, this moment is forever.

I am here with you and it is forever. Either because memories last indefinitely, or because there really isn't a future and never has been. We sense time, but amidst lovemaking, the only thing I can feel is someone inside me. and I'm inside somewhere that is dark and familiar and warm.

Porn cannot capture that feeling, and the idea of tranquil marriage cannot render a lifetime of that feeling.

Yet I am turned on by this.

Out of the building, how many stories below I heard words which were placed on my neck down my neck, down my back and into my ass hole over and over and over... I find myself having coffee and reading.

"I had an amazing night last night"

Even

Even when you’re not looking. You’re looking. You can say it’s just not the right time, but the only time is now, and now is always never the best time. Even when you say you love him, do you really? You little prick, you don’t know what you want, and you’re willing to drag him along as you figure it out. But even he wants to be dragged along, even if he says he doesn’t want to be. Don’t we all want to be used? We may all be selfish, but even we get bored and even tormented by using ourselves for our own needs all the time…

And after a fantastic date, why is it he doesn’t end up calling?

I’ve cried about this as many times as I’ve laughed about it. Which is to say, not many times. Many times I simply sigh these days… and try to go back to living for myself.

unconventional

An empty apartment. A studio. Wasn't it how many months ago? All this time wanting to be manifest, and instead being a vacuum. The car chase, the skid marks, the running from the cops. The car not being able to do what you needed it to. And you thinking, gay guys shouldn't be like this.

Taking the bus downtown to try to find a single street. Taking a bus to work and seeing who else takes this bus but crazies and the old and the poor... and the poor. Gay guys shouldn't be like this.

You remembered the sneer on that old guys pale face. He shouldn't hings like that. And your hands going to erase that sneer. The marks on his neck, the same marks left on the wood and steal beams you rise with every house you build. You could have broken his neck. But you didn't and who was appreciative? You could have broken his neck and you didn't. Gay guys aren't suppose to be like this.