on fucking 1

Oceans can be dark and foreboding in the evening. No street lamps along the highway that could have been miles away by now.

"You crazy piece of shit, I told you I'm just not ready for anything."

My mouth wanting for the teeth, wanting to leap silently in the air, come down on him like a vampire.

Instead, I came up slowly to him. Filled the distance between him with the quick flicker of my tongue, his lips came easily. He did not back away. In all this darkness, in all this cold, even despite his last words, he felt warm. We felt warm. My hand under his shirt and headed down below. A finger went in between and in. I could feel him pulsing.
---

All the fucking him in the bathroom in the clubs meant nothing. All the dollars I spent in his underwear while he danced meant nothing. None of the trips to barbados or monte carlo meant nothing. All of medical bills paid to look into his depression, all the bills paid to get him to see that he's worth something meant nothing. All the flowers at the doorstep of his crappy apartment meant nothing. All the visits hand and hand to see his uncle who raised him, a man who refused to go to a hospital and who raised his disowned niece and nephew without any medical treatment- who nearly cost them their lives because of it- and I who paid for this uncles eventual acceptance to hospital and who took his own life by pulling the plug unknowingly to any of us... meant nothing.

He was not ready. And it's interesting how someone had somehow made up their mind way before ever really letting you know.

And all the fucking him on the ocean at sunset, and the fucking him with all the men he had ever wanted, and it all meant nothing...

The heart sutra discusses that nothingness is nirvana. That could not be closer to the truth, because in the nothingness I feel right now, I want nothing and feel nothing and suffer from nothing.
---

I called him up one day, perhaps even a year later. He didn't pick up. I got his voicemail. So I emailed him. I said:

You are a cold-hearted piece of shit. Go fuck yourself, you fucking asshole.

on threesomes

And then there are those threesomes: 2 partnered, bring a third in... they carry out a scenario, the one wanting someone new, the other wanting that one to be happy and agreeing to the sex... what happens if the one actually falls for the third going into the experience, even though his intention really is to make his own very boyfriend happy? Isn't that the ultimate betrayal? Having sex with another is not so much a betrayal as an actual falling for, or being in love with another... this is why sex is always under suspect: with sex we may all really know deep down that there is always potential for love, so that when we are truly in love we know that if that object of our love sleeps with someone else that he may actually fall in love with that person instead of us.

On the converse, we may have sex with other people to escape the love we have for one person, with the suspicion that the love we are feeling for that one person really isn't true love and what better way for proof of that, then to find someone else that I may fall much more deeply and more easily in love with.

The worse fate: that sex really is just sex and we really aren't having any feelings for anybody whatsoever. That it is all a farce. Isn't that what so many of us tell ourselves at every waking minute of our nights? Isn't that why we fetishize and all other artificial play in order to separate ourselves that much further from our natural selves? Really, to prove that we are actually what is the setting of what is both our desire to be that strong hypermasculine alphamale and our worst nightmare- the nightmare that he, the object of our affection, as well as our very self are just men, only care about sex, have no feelings, and therefore meaning, and we ultimately have no meaning either.

on relationships 1

Muscular and tall, the blue gaze of his eyes looked down. He was a lot of things I wasn't. Perhaps sad, but for a second of looking at me I wanted to live forever in that sort of beauty, however artificial or constructed. I could feel his nipples on my finger tips, his biceps around me, his pelvis against mine, his face against mine.

“I’m sorry what did you say?” It was a half ass smile. I mumbled something again. Ah whatever. He looked then blankly. I gathered a bit more strength. Stupid people all around. Stupid busy shopping day on a stupid busy street.

“I said I could fucking ride you all night long.” Of course, I really didn’t say that the first time.

“Really?” he said? He looked bored.

“Yeah.” I said. Then walked off, my short dark frame easily vanishing in the crowd. Then I came back. He was gone.
---

That night I was riding someone else. He was shorter with brown eyes and whatever he was doing, it was right. Still, I found myself thinking of someone taller and blue eyes. I then thought about me in the hills running amongst the oak trees then running off nearby the stone cliffs. I was thinking about how I was going to handle the late fees I was going to accrue from missing a couple credit card payments. It was that time of the month.

His dick was nice and hard, not unlike a past lover of mine who had quickly dumped me after the chance of a crush of his from years ago came back in the picture. He and this guy both had nice dicks. For a second, I was fucking both of them. Double fucking, which I could never do in real life… A nice long second, until I started seeing only my past lover’s face, no more double fucking, and my asshole started to close up. pain. His lips down on mine while his hard dick kept going in and out, and I was sincerely crying.

“you ok?” he said.

It’s not you, it’s me.

“Yeah, I’m cool. Harder.” I smirked and took a deep breath. Another deep breath. And another.

I held his neck with both my hands as he picked up intensity, and I started thinking about the holidays:

Before the gays had no family, as our families abandoned us, or we abandoned them. Now it seems like all the younger gays are close to their families. Maybe it’s because with the break down of the family here in the states, there was a shared recognition in all our families of how we are all diliquent. Maybe.

Another thought:
This guy is so hot.

Eventually I came with his dick in me. I was jacking myself off, naturally, but still amazed how much better it is when a dick is still in you.

Pachelbel canon was playing in the background. He decided to pursue one last kiss in fury of something akin to romantic, and there was sort of post climax after the climax with a climax in music.

I didn’t know what to make of it but it was nice.