on getting older 1

The clasp around my neck becomes the lasting impression on the ground.
I think about my father
I think about violence
While my breath takes the form of you
taking all that's around me
makes me full
and I want to lay here till I have to feed again

If you would have truly pushed me
I could have truly become something

I can blame you for a lot of things
like why I am heartbroken
or why I hunger for touch

But in this nation
it is the identity of the gods
that gets you somewhere
the leader of the majority
is that which has the image of perfection
no matter the emptiness behind it
we fathom only 2 dimensions
and suffer from the 3rd, 4th and 5th

but I do not

and I cannot take what you say to me anymore
my past lover
and I become the last impression in your mind
and I become the haunting rendition
of why you can never be held
without vomiting out
the denial of the charismatically optimistic
for we all could be beaten
and laid out on the sidewalk
for all to pity
as the broken abomination
and how all can ultimately relate to the abomination?

I was given something around my neck
and it is slowly degrading
and gaining the beauty of age

on relationships 2

I pretend I'm in a relationship some days.

I wake up in the morning, and with no one beside me, I scream out:

"Hey where'd you go?"

I'd even check my cell phone to see if he txt me to let me know where he'd went.

When I hook up I look at this person I don't know and think that he is the one, that he's the one I've been sleeping with for years. If he didn't do this or that right, I think, it's ok, I loved every minute of it, anyway, sex before was better, but as you grow old together, sex can't always be incredible, it's ok... and so on and so forth.

When I get groceries I sometimes buy more than I should. When I run errands I'll reach for the phone thinking I need to call to check if I need to pick up anything else for him. When I go to the gym, I look in the mirror and, when I think I look good, think, ah, my boy will be happy. He'll be happy. and when I look kinda flabby, I think, holy shit I can't have sex with him until I work it off.

Another waiter I suck off at work occasionally, I do every so often just to feel like I can have the freedom I want from him. I think he'll never find out and fuck him. He doesn't give me all I need anyway. He could me more generous, so that every once in a while, I get what I want... or even when a girl hits on me, I take her number and think, forget him. I should go to girls. They're more caring...

Or when I deal with taxes, I tell my tax guy, do I get a break from having a dependent?
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soccerfukjock: So what u doin tonite?
me: nuthin. u?
soccerfuckjock: (10 minutes later)nothin,2. wanna hook up?
me: what do u like?
soccerfukjock: (8 minutes later) sucking, cuddling. safe stuff. u?
me: like hang first, talk, see if there's chemistry.
soccerfukjock: (20 minutes later)ok cool. my numbers ##########
me: ok, cool.

So I txt him later, and no reply.

I have this other sort of interaction quite often.
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Niether are very real, are they?