On things I want part 1

I want someone that I can have good AND bad sex with.

I want humanitarians to know that when it comes to Africa, specifically the congo, or the aborigines as another example, they really don't care as much as subjected muslim women, haiti, rape victims in america, or putting pressure on chinese government's poor human rights practices and I want them to admit it.

I want to talk to someone that is inspiring and not boring.

I want to talk to someone who, when going off about shit and is completely snorefest boring about it, is someone who I can say you are boring me to tears and they don't get offended and instead start saying things more interesting.

I want to take a shower with just a candle and the unnatural blue light of my ipod speakers and the crack of the door showing light of the day outside as a vertical line. Again.

I want to know what exactly is causing these massive horrible headaches I have; is it because I didn't eat enough, because I didn't produce enough melatonin last night, because I jack off too much, blood loss from an internal wound I don't know about, sinusitis(as it usually is and to which I'm powerless), or because of stress? Because, for instance, if I knew it was a brain tumor I could now live my life without having to think about what I'll have to do when I'm 50. In fact i'll just have to think about the next 3 years max, and that would actually give me great peace.

I want to be black and asian so that when I hear someone say they're not into blacks and asians, I can whip out my ginormous black asian uncut cock, make them suck on it for an hour, then fuck them super hard, no matter where we're at: target, at a bar, a nice restaurant... In fact, i'd be a super hero so that every time I hear I'm not into blacks and asians I can come out of no where like a bat outta hell and fuck the living daylights outta of these people, male or female. And when the cops come I'd fuck all their racist asses too, even the latino ones. And they'll each like it, even love it and want more, and when they beg for more I'll say I thought you didn't like blacks or asians.

I want someone to tell me I'm ok being black and asian, that I'm an ok guy. And give me a hug. (even though I'm not black and asian)

I want to be with a someone black and asian, except he wouldn't have a ginormous cock. It would be average size. I like average size dicks.

I want to tell people it's completely ok to give up, that in fact sometimes it's completely necessary.

I want to meet mariko mori and zhang huan, even though they probably don't even like each other's work, and tell them they're entirely amazing but entirely insane and how I love that and how I am too and how we need to become a threesome, to which they will decline respectfully, although I know it's because i'm not good enough for them, to whom I'll reply, it's ok, and it's because I know that if I live longer than the next few years (ie not have a brain tumor) I'll become even more significant than they in my artistic practice, with smaller budgets.

I want an ipad, to show up at one of my lovers place who was of the first I know to get one, and say fuck you.

I want to be able to get that beautiful, tall, muscular, top, late 20's/early 30's white boy who is both all american looking yet edgy with tattoos who will be crazy about me and want to fuck me all the time and when I allow him it'll be passionate and lovingly and dirty all at the same time and i'll somehow be ok with liking what everyone else wants in this instance.

I want to watch Der Ring, preferably with a harshly minimalist set and costume design that employs high power special effects where things are swirling magnificently which is what I think goes well with Wagner.

I want to have the patience and intelligence to be able to watch Der Ring the whole way through without falling asleep.

I want to be able to sing immeasurably well with a 5 octave range in pure tones.

I want to sleep deeply and dream about being among that which truly loves me and be flying with them somewhere, like high mountains that meet the clouds and have gushing waterfalls throughout them.

I want someone to finally tell me I'm crazy and selfish and self-absorbed and think too much and melodramatic and pointlessly useless and going no where and idiotic and careless and douchey and talentless and not great looking and just want attention and hopeless and lazy and unlovable all at once so I can say fuck off you're wrong because if you were right (about any 5 or all) I'd be a lot better off.

on lasting

I've taken time to realize
that the current state of affairs
is the dream of anarchy.

This is not your family
they are a self-imposed extension
of your ego
and i want to kill them all...

not exactly.

But I wouldn't mind if they saw
that the sun and the rain
bear down on all of us.

I don't care about returning to the earth
many things are inevitable.

If the world affords me things
How can I not take?

If I want more
how can I be happy with what I have?

You disappoint me.

How are you to know
I can save you?
I have answers
that you don't want to use.
I have love for you
that you do not understand

A corrupted world
means integrity must mean something.

The last vestige for peace
is always a dream of the future.

[9/4/08]