on self gratification 1

I'm chillin naked LOL
My doors unlocked
and my ass is lubed LOL

Why the LOLs?

I wanted sex badly. All the time. My horniness wasn't about getting off. It was about attention. It was about beauty. It was about feeling someone. Someone I wanted to feel. It was self-gratification. Where else can one get gratification in this world?

Who is sleeping with Adam lambert? Who is sleeping with Rupaul? Who is sleeping with Topher dimaggio from Randy blue? Yeah, topher is more my type. What a beautiful a boy. What a beautiful boy.

His door was in fact open. Face down I saw his nakedness on the bed, fleshy tones moving, and a gauntness that frightened me. His ass was amazingly supple considering, and my hands massaged slowly before I began to lick. It tasted good, but I was still frightened.

I was still frightened.

Hard, and not a condom in sight, i went in with a little spit. I already worked the hole enough that there was moisture. I went in. I started feeling depressed. His face he was forcing into a role, faced into the pillow never looking back as I shoved slowly into him. I ran my fingers down his back and began to kiss his neck. I could feel him get annoyed. He wanted pain. not anything else. I let my hands wander slowly back to his neck, and taking one hand, held his face harder into the pillow until I heard him gasp for air. I clenched my hands. I shoved harder. And while doing all that i went back to kissing, and tenderly, on his spine that was ever so visible on his young body. Tenderly.

And in the back of my mind, frightened.

Is there a way to truly face our fears? Or is every way we face something really the way to pierce a transparency that leads us only to a vacant other side. Like a negative to a picture, the same content only with the inverted meanings.

I always like true boys. Masc guys. But maybe it was because these were guys that were brutal to themselves, through sports and games and guns and hard living, in ways I could never be.

And when I inflict pain, I get frightened.

In the realm of things, I suppose there are always better things to do than sex. but who said I'll even bother with doing better things...